Thursday, Dec 3, 2009 continued

After my post earlier today, I made the trip to Blackfoot to meet with our attorney. Good news was not on my list of expectations. He was kind, explanatory and informed me there really are no definite answers. However, he was going to file all the proper forms, make all the legal arguments and fight for us as best he can. This news was "good" (I use that term loosely). Then he informed me of the cost. Above and beyond the $600 filing fee I gave them today, there will be another $500+ filing fee for an additional form he wants to "try". As for his fees, well.....we could buy two airline tickets to Fiji. I left there feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and fearful. Unfortunately, I left Blackfoot and got to Pocatello just in time to get to my Gabriel Garcia Marquez class. I sat down, started taking notes and this is what I read when I looked back at the sheet of paper before me.

Breathe in..out. In....out. In.......out.
Slow down.
In.........out. Keep going. Is this what it feels like to loose my mind?
I feel it slipping beyond my grasp.
Every thought in my head is a jumble, tangled twists, no starts or stops.

Post-structural, post-modern, post-colonial--really? What does it mean? I can't distinguish what he is saying. "Love and Other Demons" Close reading.

Professor asks who he really falls in love with? Love? What is love? Why do I fall in love? What did I fall in love with? Can it be controlled? I mean who we fall in love with? And what we endure for that love?

Authoritative reading? They are reading me. Someone in a gray office with a black filing cabinet in the corner and a stack of faceless files stands in authority over me. Shouldn't I get to know who is giving me an authoritative reading?

"What is essential therefore, is not that you no longer believe, but that God continues to believe in you."

Focus Tara. Breathe.

It's not the money I am freaked out about. It is just money. Green pieces of paper that come and go. What scares me is the way this makes you question who you are? How can I not help asking is this worth it? I don't like gambling. I like sure things. I don't walk close to the edge on a mountain ledge. I am a control freak when it comes to my life. I plan. I set a goal. I lay out the steps and I proceed. I am not afraid of a battle but I want to know it will get me where I want to go. I am willing to pay the price when I know what I get in exchange. With this....there is no guarantee. I feel like we are shooting in the dark, blindfolded, after spinning around.

I hate that this makes me question my love. Question his love. Not because of something either of us has done but because my power to control my own destiny has been taken away and that is a horrible feeling.

I know the steps. I know how this works. The sun will come out tomorrow. Right? I am afraid of tomorrow. I am truly afraid of what tomorrow may bring. I am even more afraid that my hope is faltering.

If I wasn't pregnant.....this could really be a time to take up drinking. But I am, and I am not a drinker. So I will do what I know I need to do. I will say my prayers tonight. I will read my scriptures for a little bit and I will sing a hymn. Tomorrow I will get up with my kids, get them ready for school and then I will prepare for class. I will continue to breathe and put one foot in front of the other. I will feel Olaya as she stretches and says hello and I will smile. I will feel the warmth of my savior and I will continue to do what is asked of me.