Grandkid Thanksgiving Party

I can never say enough great things about my mom.

If there is a chance to make a memory, she takes it.

This Thanksgiving she held a Grandkid Party on Wed. afternoon

The kids broke bread (preparing for the stuffing),

played games (of which Grandma made rules for as she went along),

and they had to earn their snack.

They earned it by making edible pilgrim hats.

 Once the work was done......everyone reaped the benefits of their hard work.

 Olaya enjoyed her new mobility exploring everywhere she could.

MOM,

Thanks for making special memories with all your grandchildren.  If ever there was a woman to be in awe of, it is you.  I am thankful for you...this special holiday and everyday.

Love,
Tara

Raise A Man

Do you know what most other women my age are doing right now?

They are partying in clubs, trying to act stupid,

trying to get a man, trying to keep a man

trying to take someone else's man (inserted by me)

...not me.

I'm trying to RAISE a man.

Dorothy-Jerry Maguire

In my home are two incredible young men.  They are not perfect.  On occasion, they make me certifiably crazy.  Yet, these two boys give me hope.  They give me hope that my actions are good and maybe, just maybe, something I am doing is right.

Watching them love on their sisters.  Sing to Olaya.  Feed Olaya.  Read to Belle. Let Belle put little trinkets in their hair.  I could go on.  But the other day, their actions made me stop, thank my Heavenly Father for the opportunity to love them and go in my room shut the door and cry my eyes out.

Recently the boys had a babysitting job.  They love watching the daughter of our friends.  And I know they love getting that payment at the end.  For any kid, it seems the money is going to burn a whole in their pocket.  The next day while at Walmart they were running lists of all the things they could buy with their gains.  The only thins I said was to write a list once we got home and if they really felt one of those items deserved all their money, then we could go back the next day to buy it.  But mostly, to think about it overnight.

Sunday morning, I woke to my second eye infected with pink eye and not feeling the best.  With our present situation, the kids know money is tight....if non-existent.  But I try not to let them aware of bills or anything like that.  I had climbed back in bed when I could hear Taron and Keaton talking in hushed voices out in the hall.

Then it happened.  My boys entered my room, gave me their hard earned money and said they wanted me have it.  I told them it was theirs and that they didn't' need to take on these burdens.  Taron went over to my purse and put it in my wallet and just said they would feel better if I had it.

Taron and Keaton have a long way to go.....but they are men.  They are good men. 

By some standards I may not be able to "get or keep a man" but I can say I am raising two men.....of which brings me so much joy.

The waves are calming.

The clouds are lifting.

The sun is peeking.

I know this

because

I did this.

Funny how certain things bring us pleasure.

I love looking down at my polished shiny toe nails.

It seems other things have been blocking me from the little pleasures.

Not anymore.

Toes polished.

Legs shaved.

Daily workouts.

Feeling good.

What little thing makes you happy??

Wonderland of Snow

Promptly at 6:15 a.m. I woke to check the local news for school closures.  My hope was to find out if it was closed and then turn off alarm clocks before the kids could get up if school was cancelled. 

What I found was Keaton already in the shower and when I went back in my room Olaya was sitting up in bed wide awake, singing. Belle started to stir in her room.  Turned the TV on to find out NO SCHOOL!  AND WE WERE ALREADY UP!

So our day started pretty early.  But oh how I love it.  So far today I have been able to finish my book club book while the older kids entertained Olaya while watching TV, we broke out the karaoke machine cranked full blast, made pancake breakfast, cleaned kitchen, kids went sledding out back as I watched while sipping hot chocolate from the comfort of the kitchen table. 

These are the moments.  These are the moments I think it's a beautiful world.  These are the moments I suck the marrow from the time I have with my littles, savoring every ounce of joy we have making memories.  These are the moments all the world melts away. 

Hope everyone is loving this day as much as I am.  Pull the people you love close to you.  Hold them an extra few seconds.  Breathe them in.  Love this day.  Love this day and those you are sharing it with ....cause I am.

Off to watch Elf for the second time this week.  Seems appropriate for a snow day.  LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Lava Hot Springs

Have you experienced a place or event that just exceeded all your expectations?  Only to find that when you went back again......not so much?

That is not how Lava Hot Springs is for me.  No matter how many times we go and no matter the circumstances, this is a place that brings calm, restoration and joy.  You really wouldn't think so since it isn't a place the kids are allowed to frolic and play.  However, something about the healing, naturally heated waters that brings us all to a place we want to return to time and time again.

Maybe the steamy haze of anonymity allows us to feel free.  Maybe it is that the warmth reminds us of our familiar bath water.  

 Introducing Olaya to this favorite place brought smiles to us all.

 We love to come in the winter.  The cold air creates a blanket of steam allowing us to feel like we are the only ones.  I have memories going back to high school with this place.  My friends and I would go.  Never failed, someone got their hair frozen to the handrails when they were not eyeing the hot guys on the other side of the pool.  In the dead of winter, if your hair is wrapped around a pole and then water is poured over it, you will instantly have a makeshift prison.  Any movement and the instantly frozen hair will break.  Not the best way to get a hair cut.  Luckily it wasn't that cold when the kids and I went.

Olaya enjoyed her time in the hot pools.  She made eyes at anyone that would look at her (which wasn't hard to find), splashed her hands and kicked her feet, laughing at the spray of water hitting everyone.

Night Vision

 We soaked for over two splendid  hours.  Olaya never fussed or complained.  Once we went to the dressing room to change, she quickly realized she hadn't eaten and wanted to go to sleep.  Which she promptly did both.  She was out for the drive home and being taken in the house.

Lava Hot Springs did not fail me.  The evening was exactly what I needed.  It was exactly what this little family needed.  A place we loved before he was in our lives.  A place we could return to on our own.  We are going to be OK.  Making memories with these four kids has never been difficult.  I look forward to making many more.

Tub Time

There are happy moments all around.  Just one of them I wanted to share.

My Girls



Almost 9 Months

I know I am her mom.  I get to see her every minute of every day....but seriously looking at those eyes never gets old.

Spontaneous

Took the kids to Lava Hot Springs tonight.  Pictures tomorrow. I am far to tired to even pull them from my camera right now.  I love that place.  Sadly the last time I went was my honeymoon.  However, before that I had been there with dates, friends, the kids...so I had many other memories to think about.

It was a completely spontaneous decision to go (and I am not spontaneous).  I happened to check on line what their prices were.  Today was family discount day.  I looked at the clock and saw it was time to pick up Taron from wrestling so I yelled for the kids to get their swimsuits and a towel.  Taron loved the surprise.  My friend Reagan and her family joined us.  AHHHHH Pure heaven.  Relaxation.  When I was single before meeting Abete, the kids and I would go there once a week through the winter months.  We loved it.   

And you know....tonight....it was good again.  None of us felt like something was missing.  We laughed. Played. Rested.  Ate junk on the way home....that was on purpose.  Sitting in the hot pools completely drains all the energy from ya.  I came prepared with chocolate covered gummy bears.  With four beautiful babies to drive home I needed supplies.....in the form of sugar.

Pictures tomorrow...and again thanks to all that have left comments, emails, text messages and phone calls.  I feel your love and it sustains me.  A friend posted something on facebook about how a baby chick only begins to live after its world has completely crumbled all around it......we are living.  We are loving each other.  I am thinking life has some surprises (good ones) up ahead ...and only after our world crumbling will we be ready to appreciate them.

Love to all.  Hope you hugged someone today!!

Fake It Until You Make It

I came across this quote on a blog I follow.  It wasn't the first time I had heard it, but reading it this time came with such a deeper understanding.

For example, it is no secret marriage is difficult.  Abete and I have struggled for a long time.  However, knowing family and marriage are the most important things in this life, I kept working at it.  Kept "faking it" until one day we didn't have to fake it anymore.  I kept thinking maybe once immigration stress was over, maybe once we lived in the same place, maybe once we got all his debt taken care of, maybe once he could really truly be with his family....we wouldn't have to fake it so much.

More than anything...I just kept believing that if we focused on the love of our Heavenly Father, put him first, things would have a way of working out.  The kids and I have been doing very well in this area.  We are more consistent wiht family prayer and scripture study.  There is more love and patience being shown to each other.  The only thing missing....Abete.  When things got hard, he went a different direction. (Today he actually told me he plans to take his girlfriend to the temple one day.) 

So now today....I am still faking it.  I am faking being strong.  I am faking not feeling broken and lost.  I am faking that my kids are all I need to make it through this.  I am faking that I am happy.  I am faking that getting up with Olaya multiple times a night is comforting.  I am faking that I know how I will be able to provide for this family.  I am faking that I am enough.  I am faking that I am not feeling unlovable.  I am faking that I am not angry.  I am faking that I think he can be a good father even after considering what he has done to me and his children.  I am faking that at night I don't panic when I climb in bed alone.  I am faking when I look at the clothes in the closet and say I can easily throw them out.  I am faking when I say I don't think about all the broken promises.  I am faking when I hear Olaya singing and don't want to share it with Abete.  I am faking when I see that look in Olaya's face that looks just like her dad and I don't want to love him for giving me her.

So I ask.....when does it stop being fake?  When do I trust myself to know it is real???

FHE-

What do you get when you take two soon to be divorced women on a Monday night that really could use some happiness right about now?

Well, since you asked.....picture me and my four kids, my friend Faye and two of her kids and three plates of goodies.  See Faye and I were thinking it would be easy to feel blue right about now.  But since we aren't really wanting to be pathetic broken women, we decided to share some cheer with unsuspecting neighbors.

So we took those treats to three of our friends we figured could also use a pick me up.  However little did we know what was in store.

Since the kids could not decide who was going to drop the goodies and run....all five (Olaya stayed in the car)  went to each house.  Here we are at first house with five kids creeping ever so ninja like to the front door.  The motion light comes on and there just happens to be four teenage kids walking by that have no idea what is going on.  When our kids start running, instinctively the other four take off as well thinking something bad just happened and they didn't want to get busted for it.

Imagine nine...count them nine kids barreling down the street.  Not exactly stealth operations.  Two from the other group dove in some bushes and when the other two walked by the car I apologized.  They just asked what was that.  I told them we just dropped a plate of goodies at their door.  They were quite relieved and laughed so hard that they just ran a block for no reason. 

Faye and I laughed for the next 20 minutes.  What an image.

Second house....although the recipient sort of knew we were coming, she still released the family pet on the kids.  This time picture 5 screaming kids and one barking dog.  Again, another stealth operation.

Third house...we just went in and visited.

Planning to make this a weekly activity.  Love spreading joy.  Something we all needed tonight.

Thanks Faye, I love you!  Love your friendship, strength and creativity.  Thanks to my kids and hers for an awesome memory.

Love to all my blog checkers.  I know many don't leave messages here but have on facebook or to my cell and email.  Your words life and encourage me.  At some point I imagine I will be more clear about what has happened but for now I can only deal with one detail or thought at a time.  But I will say...there will be no reconciliation.  Although it seems to be quite accepted in the Fijian community in Vernal, having a girlfriend while still married is not ok with me.  Marriages end.  I get that.  But let it end with some dignity.  And I don't want to start on the lack of self-respect this woman has for herself to enable a man to behave this way......so yes....Abete has a girlfriend that he plans to be with and take to Fiji when I have him deported.  The "community" accepts him and her and the only reason he told me was because he knew it would get back to me since he had her in the "community".  Great community to support a cheater. 

On my part...we are doing well.  I hope to address my thoughts on this on a later date but for now just know we are drawing closer to each other.  I have an amazing family.  I am blessed to be a mother.  These four children are my touchstones.  I know I should feel broken and sad......but really I feel blessed.  (If you have been in a relationship like this one, you know exactly what I mean by that.)

Good night to all.  I am thinking tomorrow is going to be a fabulous day. 

When We Don't Have Enough

 Overall this day was much better than I possibly imagined.  Taron prepared his talk all on his own. Breakfast went well.  Showered and got ready to be at church early enough to make my copies for choir before meeting wit Bishop. (Aside: Our church is being renovated.  While Bishop's office is still in regular building....we drive across town for services.)  Then back to pick up Kela (choir member and friend) and head off to church in time for choir.

Normally choir starts with at least a 10 minute update on my latest adventure.  Today....no Tara talk.  I was so relieved.  No tears.  No stories to large crowd.  Just beautiful music.  Sweet spirit.  I didn't even cry when thanking everyone for coming to sing...which I actually thought people would think was abnormal...I normally get a little misty eyed when speaking about singing praises unto our Heavenly Father.

Which brings me to sacrament meeting.  Taron gave a beautiful talk on gratitude.  His first talk in sacrament meeting.  A mother could not be more proud. 

My sweet friend Kela and I were on the program to sing There Is Sunshine In My Soul Today.  My voice was gone. I was asked numerous times if I thought I could still sing but for some reason I just couldn't/wouldn't say i couldn't do it.  I wanted to sing.  Maybe it was my pride.  Maybe it was me not being able to say I am "inadequate". 

The song started. When it came time for me to sing....squeaks and squawks.  I knew we could not continue like that.  Luckily a very talented soprano was sitting on the stand so I waved to her to come up.  She jumped right up and sang with us.  I think it turned out very well. 

Lesson for me......
When we aren't enough...it is OK to ask for help to make up the difference.  And I need to learn my limits.  I could have told Kela earlier that I just could not sing and she would have been fine with it.  Although I would feel like I was disappointing her....which I know she really wouldn't think.

In the end......Sunday was a great day.  We made it through.  And not once did I reach for my phone to dial Abete's number. (long exhale)  Feeling more like a homebody lately.  Drawing my kids closes.Wanting to cuddle, dance and play with my kids. 

And now time for sleep.  Sweet dreams everyone.  G'night.

Just Asking

My stats are telling me I have received over 300 hits in the last two days.......

So how is it only 3 people have left comments?

Feel free to leave a comment.  Tell me what you think.  I can take it, good or bad.

LOVES TO ALL!!

In other news....

Preparing for Sunday activities.....making breakfast, preparing Taron's talk for sacrament, hoping my voice returns so I can sing a duet in sacrament meeting, make copies of Christmas music for choir practice, meet with Bishop........and last.....put on a brave face before facing my ward.  Just want to get through this day.  I love my ward family and they have really been a great support as Abete and I have been married.  They have supported us as we worked through immigration, my pregnancy and having him work out of town.  More than anything I am sad I will have to disappoint them.  Everyone is so eager to hear if immigration efforts are coming to a close.  Now I can tell them it is all over......but not for the reasons we had hoped.

And I hope this makes sense....but then when you tell someone the sad news they want to comfort you.  They ask questions.  Please don't get me wrong, the support  and concern is needed and welcome.  The thing is....each time I have to talk about it, it is like reliving the moment I found out, over and over.  The pain comes back.  The shock, anxiety.  I get to a point where I realize I am not reaching for my phone to tell him Olaya's latest new activity.  I don't have to remind myself to get out of bed and walk out the bedroom door and then.......
someone asks and wants to understand.  It all comes back.  The abandonement.  The broken promises.  The betrayal.

I know it would be worse if people didn't say anything at all.  I have experienced that as well. It hurts even worse.  Our world has come crashing down and it doesn't even deserve an I'm sorry????

So I am preparing to go through the gauntlet of emotions today.  I welcome the support, the love.  A hug is better than anything.  Hoping for a few today.

So here I go.......Wish me/us luck.

Awkward !!??

A couple days ago I needed to do some business inside the credit union (close the soon to be ex's account).  When I noticed each teller had a member, I stopped at the new account desk (man) and asked if he could go ahead and close the account for me.

He was more than willing to help.  When he walked away from his desk to get my cash, another teller (a friend) came over and sat with me so we could talk a little.  As he approached and saw her talking to me he said, "Hey don't you be moving in on my member."

AWKWARD PAUSE

As smiles broke on all our faces, he said, "That didn't come out right."

Love when I am not the one saying awkward things.

Ever have something like that happen to you?

2 days after....

There was a moment today free from all worries of the past few days.  I was on a high after completing two back to back interviews for different companies.  My energy level was up.  My thoughts were of the possibilities for my future.  As I got in my car from the second interview, my hand automatically reached for the phone to dial your number.

Instantly everything went black.  The pain, the fear, the emptiness crashed upon my shoulders sending panic through my soul when I realized you wouldn't be there to answer on the other end.  I realized the reason I was at these interviews in the first place.....the reason I am desperate to find a way to provide for my family is because you are gone.  You left us.

I want to yell and scream.  I want to break something to pieces, never to be put back together.  I want to hit something hard.  Keep hitting until my hands bleed.  I want to clench my fists, close my eyes and swing.

Then I hear her.  I hear her soft, sweet sounds.  She calls for me.  Her smile erases the fresh wounds of fear and doubt.  Suddenly, I am filled with overwhelming gratitude.  A gratitude so strong I barely think I can contain my joy.  Her love consumes, fills and restores me.

Although my heart has been torn... although you chose a path away from us... I have the greatest joy bundled in my arms.  I pull her close.....breathe her in, knowing you left all the best parts behind.

Abete 

Although you hijacked two years of my life, ransoming my love to the highest bidder, my reward is more priceless than diamonds or pearls.....I will not let you destroy me.  She was worth every tear, every painful moment, every broken promise, every shattered dream.  I won't chastise or condemn you.  In the end I can only say thank you.  Thank you for giving me the most beautiful gift.  Thank you for your role in allowing me to be mother to not one but two (Isabella & Olaya) choice spirits.  For that I will always be grateful.

Tara

Life Lessons

When raising children a parent can teach life lessons a few different ways.  Many times a parent can recognize a child is ready to handle a new concept or that a parent needs to teach something before the world teaches the child.  Sometimes we wait for life to present the opportunity.  However it is started, there are lessons our children need to learn.

Yesterday, I took the kids to the funeral of their great-uncle on their dad's side.  It was a beautiful service.  I also took Grandma Evelyn and I continue to love the time I share with her.  The kids have attended funerals of their grandparents so that was not a shock for them.

However, at the graveside dedication, Keaton recognized that in place of a coffin was a silver vase.  He asked me where Uncle Jim was.  I looked over at the urn and realized all the other funerals he has attended, there was a coffin.  He had always had the opportunity to see the person before laid in their final resting place.

I recognized this was one of those moments a parent has to prepare a lesson in the blink of an eye.  As my thoughts were processing, I could see his questioning eyes looking back at me.  I also realized I could just easily say, "Oh, Keaton he chose to be burned in a fire and those are his ashes."  Recognizing death is already a difficult subject, I knew that would not be a wise approach. 

First, I pulled Keaton close to me.  With my arm around him we looked over at the urn.  I began to explain that when someone dies they have a choice to be buried in a coffin as some of our relatives have or to have their ashes placed in something like a vase with a lid.  The ashes can be buried or they can be scattered in a special place or some family members even chose to keep the ashes in their home.  This information was accepted but I knew the question was coming.

He looked at me with those gentle, questioning eyes and I found myself at a loss.  How do I explain this without it sounding like sticking a person in the kitchen oven.  Luckily Stephen was right there and I turned to him.  I told him Keaton is asking about why Uncle Jim is in a vase and not a coffin.  Between the two of us, we explained people can chose to be placed in a special oven that heats so hot it can even turn bone to ash.   Stephen knew the technical parts of the answer and I followed it up with the spiritual. (Thanks Stephen for helping me with that one.)

After a few comments from Keaton I was confident the topic was over.  It wasn't until a few hours later, after the family lunch and dropping of Grandma Evelyn, we were alone in the car, and he blurted out, "I don't want you to be incinerated."

Oh, my sweet tender Keaton.  I love you with all my heart.  You have a sensitive heart that ponders things over for understanding.  We do not know the plan our Heavenly Father has for us.  I hope and pray I will be with you for many many years to come and that you will not have to consider this for me for a very long time.  But as much as I believe we will live very long happy lives, life can change in the blink of an eye.  This is one reason I am grateful to have the blessing of the gospel of our savior Jesus Christ in our lives.  We know this life is only a twinkling in the span of time we will have together in the eternities.  When a loved one dies it is very painful to be away from them.  And Keaton, I never want to be away from you.  But please know, if we are separated in this life, I will be waiting for you in Heaven.  I will prepare for you to come.  We will join grandparents and other loved ones that have gone before.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for being my most amazing son.  I am lucky to be your mother and share this journey with you.

With that, we jumped out of the car and went in to watch my nephew play 2nd grade basketball.  And that is how life works.  We tackle the moments we are presented with and then move on to the next.  I learned a great lesson today.  In trying to explain the small details of death, such as cremation, my son needed to hear about the larger picture, eternal life.  Maybe this was a lesson I needed to remember as well.    

Spudnuts

Have I ever mentioned my mother is just an amazing woman.

Baking for her family is one of her favorite activities.

Not only did she make these late at night

(I helped by glazing)

she even packaged them up to take to

all her children in town.

 And if you are wondering what a spudnut it......

donut made with potato.

They are the best.

 I am sure there is nothing healthy about them,

but hey it is Halloween.

I think this is a tradition I want to begin and continue every year.

Thanks Mom for a wonderful night.

Happy Halloween Activities

Our Halloween festivities were a little quieter than other years.

Taron and Keaton were with their dad

and Abete was in Utah.

But all us girls had a great time.

 Olaya is just about to achieve forward motion.

 My Princess Isabella

Miss Mouse Olaya

Olaya didn't like having to hold still for pictures.

Belle relished in the opportunity to have long flowing hair.

After attending the ward trunk-or-treat,

we headed over to a local park where another stake

puts on their trunk-or-treat for the community.

By the time we got there,

Olaya certainly was

quiet as a mouse.

We had a great time visiting with friends and seeing

all the fun costumes on everyone.

Then we headed to my parents for

spudnut making.

Contreras Halloween Party- The Whole Group

I can't say enough great things about this group of people.

We are not perfect.

We make mistakes every day.

We don't always say the right things.

We do however,

love each other.

And yes.

These are my parents, brothers and sisters, spouses and children.

For the first time in a very long time, we had just about every one together.

Missing Bernadette and her baby and

Manuel heading to Afghanistan.



Contreras Halloween Party Part 2-

After the food...games

Contreras Halloween Party

One of the best jobs I have had the honor of having was as a event planner at Idaho State University.  While I planned each event, I had the support of a head chef, student union staff and other support people to help me pull it all together.  Overall I was there to make sure it all came together to my specifications.

My sister Sharen, on the other hand, has the ability to envision what she wants and the "see it through" to put together an amazing event for everyone involved.  She plans, decorates and cooks.  Our Second Annual Contreras Halloween Party was one of her latest events.  As you can see from the pictures, she did another fabulous job.

 chocolate dipped strawberries

 chocolate pudding, gummy worms

 bread sticks

 pretzels

personal pizza

For some reason blogger won't let me load all the pictures from the event to this post.  Stay tuned for more.