2 days after....

There was a moment today free from all worries of the past few days.  I was on a high after completing two back to back interviews for different companies.  My energy level was up.  My thoughts were of the possibilities for my future.  As I got in my car from the second interview, my hand automatically reached for the phone to dial your number.

Instantly everything went black.  The pain, the fear, the emptiness crashed upon my shoulders sending panic through my soul when I realized you wouldn't be there to answer on the other end.  I realized the reason I was at these interviews in the first place.....the reason I am desperate to find a way to provide for my family is because you are gone.  You left us.

I want to yell and scream.  I want to break something to pieces, never to be put back together.  I want to hit something hard.  Keep hitting until my hands bleed.  I want to clench my fists, close my eyes and swing.

Then I hear her.  I hear her soft, sweet sounds.  She calls for me.  Her smile erases the fresh wounds of fear and doubt.  Suddenly, I am filled with overwhelming gratitude.  A gratitude so strong I barely think I can contain my joy.  Her love consumes, fills and restores me.

Although my heart has been torn... although you chose a path away from us... I have the greatest joy bundled in my arms.  I pull her close.....breathe her in, knowing you left all the best parts behind.

Abete 

Although you hijacked two years of my life, ransoming my love to the highest bidder, my reward is more priceless than diamonds or pearls.....I will not let you destroy me.  She was worth every tear, every painful moment, every broken promise, every shattered dream.  I won't chastise or condemn you.  In the end I can only say thank you.  Thank you for giving me the most beautiful gift.  Thank you for your role in allowing me to be mother to not one but two (Isabella & Olaya) choice spirits.  For that I will always be grateful.

Tara