I came across this quote on a blog I follow. It wasn't the first time I had heard it, but reading it this time came with such a deeper understanding.
For example, it is no secret marriage is difficult. Abete and I have struggled for a long time. However, knowing family and marriage are the most important things in this life, I kept working at it. Kept "faking it" until one day we didn't have to fake it anymore. I kept thinking maybe once immigration stress was over, maybe once we lived in the same place, maybe once we got all his debt taken care of, maybe once he could really truly be with his family....we wouldn't have to fake it so much.
More than anything...I just kept believing that if we focused on the love of our Heavenly Father, put him first, things would have a way of working out. The kids and I have been doing very well in this area. We are more consistent wiht family prayer and scripture study. There is more love and patience being shown to each other. The only thing missing....Abete. When things got hard, he went a different direction. (Today he actually told me he plans to take his girlfriend to the temple one day.)
So now today....I am still faking it. I am faking being strong. I am faking not feeling broken and lost. I am faking that my kids are all I need to make it through this. I am faking that I am happy. I am faking that getting up with Olaya multiple times a night is comforting. I am faking that I know how I will be able to provide for this family. I am faking that I am enough. I am faking that I am not feeling unlovable. I am faking that I am not angry. I am faking that I think he can be a good father even after considering what he has done to me and his children. I am faking that at night I don't panic when I climb in bed alone. I am faking when I look at the clothes in the closet and say I can easily throw them out. I am faking when I say I don't think about all the broken promises. I am faking when I hear Olaya singing and don't want to share it with Abete. I am faking when I see that look in Olaya's face that looks just like her dad and I don't want to love him for giving me her.
So I ask.....when does it stop being fake? When do I trust myself to know it is real???
Maybe we always have to fake it??? I remember praying one night saying "I am tired of just hanging by a thread...when do I get to move forward??". I heard the spirit say "some times hanging is all that is required." I think sometimes just surviving is enough :)
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you..I hope everything gets easier for you. I do have to agree with Cami somewhat..it doesn't matter how happy people seem..most are probably faking it and I think a lot of us do this more than anyone knows.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I fake lots in my situation as well. I suppose one day we will both look back on this time and be greatful we endured it! I love ya Tara....keep fakin....I am always here for ya!
ReplyDeleteI can't say how long the aching will be this strong or how many days will feel like you can only fake your way through them, but I can tell you that you are surrounded by people who love you and care about you and only want the best for you and your beautiful family. (I'm one of those many people.) I don't have any grand words of comfort for you- what could I possibly say to ease your burdens right now? I feel like whatever comment I leave would be so inadequate. (I want you to know I have not been ignoring you- I just haven't been on blogs or Facebook for quite a while.) But I can tell you that I am here for you- WHATEVER you might need. And just know that you are not alone.
ReplyDelete"Real or not real? " You know where I got that from... Anyway, I think you'll know when you're not faking anymore. At least you'll know when it gets easier. You are one of the most amazing women I have ever met. I think all the time how lucky I am that I know you. You can rely on all of us until you are making it on your own. I love you! You aren't alone in this.
ReplyDeleteOh Tara, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for your pain. Hang in there and remember that God loves you. He weeps with you and comforts you when you need comforting. You know the the footprints poem right? Just remember that right now, there are one set of footprints. It is because God is carrying you. :). You will get through this and remember it is ok to fake it, it is ok to let yourself be real. I love ya and I will be praying for you and your kiddos.
ReplyDeleteCristi Moore