Giving Thanks

I have held off on writing this so that I didn't write it out of anger but rather out of understanding and gratitude. Yet I feel I need to take a minute and write it regardless how it comes out (but I will try to stay with the attitude of gratitude).

During the years I was single (divorced), I encountered relationships that is some ways felt right to me. But, I was not an individual. I was a mother of three children. I need them to make me whole as much as I need air and water. I can not/could not be separated from them. I am the first to admit, I made many mistakes during the years, but one thing held true, Taron, Keaton and Isabella were my first priority. Even though a relationship seemed right for me, if it wasn't right for my kids, it ultimately could not be right for me.

I did have a little bit of a complicated scenario. The boys, having a good father, did not need a dad. They did however need a man that would be an example to them, love them and care for them as if his own while still allowing Stephen his space as their father. Isabella on the other hand did need a father. I knew there was a man out there that would fall for her they way I did. He would have to know his life could not go on without her as I knew the day she was placed in my arms that I could never be complete without her. To be her mother was a painful road but oh how the reward of her in my life is grand. She needed a man that would love me, but also love her for being her and not cause she just came with me. This has been harder to find than what the boys needed. It is one thing to care for someone else's children but it is another to love them truly as your own.

I have seen relationships or mixed families where the "step" children are not treated or viewed as the new "natural" are. This breaks my heart. The truth is, the step parent that is not willing to allow these children into their hearts is missing out. I understand the miracle it is to share the joy in making a life together and the happiness it brings to show it and try to make every moment with a family wonderful but there are other children involved feeling like they are on the outside looking in. Children are not stupid. They know when their presence is merely tolerated than embraced. They know by pictures, comments and treatment.

When I met Abete, this one foremost on my mind. I was not going to waste any more time with a great experience for me while my kids looked on. In some ways, he surprised me because at times I felt Abete fell in love with all my children and just accepted that I came with the package. I am so grateful that he did fall in love with Bella and became her father in every way. For the boys, he is better than I could have ever imagined. He misses them when they are with their dad and comments to me how he wishes the boys were home. He takes time to teach them, play with them and even discipline them. On the weekend he asks when we can call them if they are away. To a mother, there can be no better gift. Maybe he knows the best way to make me happy is to make them happy. I am grateful for his example to show blended families can be successful and supportive for everyone involved. He would not for one minute want a family picture without our boys. Nor does he place Isabella before the boys. I am grateful for this because the boys don't always, if ever, feel that way when they are with their father. Often they feel like visitors in their fathers home and they know they are and will never be on the same level as their half-brother...especially after they were referred to as step-brothers and left out of family pictures. (OK-I won't say anything else about that.) I love that whenever we are asked how many children we have, Abete jumps right up and says three. I thought he would say one (Belle) and then Tara has two children from a previous marriage but NO. He says we have three kids. This last weekend, while with the Polynesian community one young girl asked which three kids were ours as I pointed them out, her only surprise was that Bella got her dad's coloring and the boys did not. :) HOW TRUE. I just smiled and said a little prayer of gratitude for a loving husband and wonderful father to all three of my children. He is confident and consistent in his love for them all. If ever given the opportunity, he would be thrilled to legally become the boys father. But we know it does not take a legal document to make us a family or to make him their father. That said, Stephen is a wonderful father as well. He tries the best he can and I know he would like to have them more of his everyday life. He tries to involve them with his life and he is always good to talk to them daily on the phone. As I encounter challenges with the boys, I know I can call him and we can talk it out and decide on a plan of action together. I know he wants only what is best for the boys as I do. I am also grateful to have two men in the boys lives that care for them to the level they do.

Anyway...this may not be important to many but to this mother it means everything and I couldn't just not say anything. I also know we can never change how others do things but we can try to be better. I guess the event that brought me to this was a good thing because it made me love and be grateful for the wonderful blessing that came not only into my life, but into the lives of three beautiful spirits from our Heavenly Father, entrusted to me to raise up in this life.

Abete, you are a wonderful blessing to all of us and I love you. We all love you.