After The Trial . . We Will Be Blessed

In the tangle of emotions I am experiencing, I find the only way to purge the constant thoughts in my head is to put them on paper. I am grateful for my blog as a way to express my thoughts.

Since our marriage, along the path Abete and I chose to follow we have had many markers that we had to pass before we knew we could truly enjoy the blessings we are entitled to receive. Ultimately our goal is to be an eternal family. We were both searching for this prior to meeting. Our first miracle was finding each other. This journey has not been easy. We have struggled with differences in culture, children, identifying our new roles as a couple, gainful employment, distance, our pasts, the criticism of others and just the everyday challenges couples face. However, we have also experienced great joy. I have felt the love of a man so true, it has almost been to much to take in. I watch my boys with Abete and the beautiful relationship they are building. He is a great leader and example to them. We felt the love of being united with Isabella in the courtroom of Judge Murray when Abete legally became her father. We continue to draw closer to one another through our challenges. We enjoyed the news of Olaya coming to join our family. Through this pregnancy we have come closer together. The sickness I experienced during the first three months taught me to be humble and allow my husband to help me when I could not do the things I would have liked to do. It taught him to be patient and place his wants and needs beneath those of his family. The blessings have been great.

In August we sent off the paperwork for permanent resident status for Abete. Based on previous occurrences in Abete's life, we were told by our attorney of some undesirable possibilities in the process ahead. Although we were aware of this, we relied on our faith and love for each other that all would be well. For me this has been a learning experience. Knowing someone else....someone in a room, with a title, with no personal interest in my life, has the authority to take away a loved is incomprehensible but not something I am unfamiliar with.

The journey I endured in bringing Belle into my family was similar. After she was placed in my care at 10 months old, I knew she and I were meant to be together. I felt a bond with her that didn't even make sense to me. I was single. A divorced mother with two boys. What was I doing thinking I could adopt a baby girl on my own? Over the next three years there were many starts and stops, boulders to climb and pain and anguish. Finally, it is my belief, the Lord provided a way, even when man tried to intervene, to unite Isabella and myself. I know miracles happen. So now as we face another trial, I am comforted to know miracles happen.

The Lord is with us through all things. Yesterday I opened a letter from immigration expecting one response. All thoughts centered on the idea all would be well. However, upon opening the letter, everything I expected was not found. Our application was denied. According to the letter, deportation is imminent. We do have an opportunity to file and appeal within 30 days but the letter is grave and discouraging.

I can not begin to express the spectrum of emotions I am experiencing, then until now. Fear and anger being prime. Where Lord has the comfort gone I felt so strong during the day? I don't deny I went through, and at moments feel abandoned by the Lord, even now. I know this is Satan trying to discourage me. But a good friend reminded me today, I don't have to be strong all the time. The Lord will carry on for me. I can break down. I can be afraid. I can feel lost. I worry for our Olaya and what will happen when she is to come to this Earth. I ask if her father will be here. I have so many questions.

I will call the attorney on Monday morning and hopefully will gain some understanding. He may also only confirm our worse fears. For now, I go back and forth between comfort and fear. For now, we are beginning a special fast for this situation. Our names have been added to the temple in Idaho Falls and Vernal. With these things I take great comfort. I know this is a trial of our faith. We are taught, "Jesus said without me, ye can do nothing." We must be firmly attached to him. I am holding to that.

Today as I have spoke to family and friends (thanks Cheryl, Uncle Dan, Kendra, Faye, Mom, Maria, Michele, Kindra and Anna) their words of comfort have lifted me. Maybe not always with great words of wisdom, but with their love and support of me and my family. I also found myself on LDS.org. This site has special meaning to me. Whenever I have a question, I know it is a place I can turn to and find answers. There is either a talk, a scripture or even a picture that I can look to and receive comfort. Today I went to the site and found this great video.

Youre-Never-Alone

In it she talks about a marathon and feeling discouraged in the 20th mile. Well this is my 20th mile. I feel lost and afraid as she did. Like me, those around her cheered her on and she was able to endure to the end where she found all was well. I know this is my trial. This is OUR trial.

Our ultimate goal is to be an eternal family. What man (immigration) is doing can not change our eternal happiness. This will be difficult but we will endure and we will be an eternal family. As a couple/family we are working to go to the temple. I am hoping this will not postpone this. I am worried Abete may have to leave the country before we can be sealed in the House to the Lord for Time and All Eternity. We will be together no matter where we end up. Fiji. Idaho. Utah. Of those things I am certain. Of our love and commitment as a family I have no doubt and am buoyed by the Love of My Savior.

Again, if anyone would like to join in our fast it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you to everyone for your love and support. Peace be with all of you and may you also be able to feel the comforting love of the Savior envelope you in your trials.

Tara